8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I fill condoms, not promises.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
