she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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