There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
