so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
