she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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