I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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