after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
