smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
