True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
she pinky promised me she was 18
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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