Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
