hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
