I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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