Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
