I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
