Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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