Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
