He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
