The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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