She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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