im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
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I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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