I skipped work to stalk him.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
