Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
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It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
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We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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