did you get engaged???
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
