Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I pour the whiskey from now on
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
