I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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