what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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