Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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