So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize