the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
