This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
