you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
