I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
