I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
