Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she looked like the before picture.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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