Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
