Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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