last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
