Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
