Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
