new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
