Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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