I just saw a hot homeless man
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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