I wish I could teleport
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
