What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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