Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
