I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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