that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
