i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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