i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
