He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
