She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
