YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
