Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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