life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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