Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
