I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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