I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
