they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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