Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
